I Feel So
by A Whisper Of Grace
Summary: Emma's had a horrible day and just wants to drink her night away, but her night only gets worse when she sees Killian drinking and enjoying himself with Ruby. This makes her deal with feelings that she doesn't want to ignore anymore. Post Neverland. One-shot.


After a quick stop at the bar - _whiskey, and keep 'em coming -_ Emma found the quietest booth in the Rabbit Hole and slumped into a seat, dropping her bag and jacket on the bench beside her. Propping her elbows on the table, she rested her head in her hand. It was an effort not to fist her hands in her hair and try to pull it out.

Today had not been a good day. She'd wasted her time at work trying to settle a domestic dispute that had been going on for far too long, and had come home to find her son with a big pleading smile on his face and an overnight bag packed. Neal had talked him into a movie night.

She'd really just wanted to spend some time with her son and forget about the rest of the world, but she didn't have the heart to tell him no. So she'd piled him into her car and driven him to the apartment that Neal was renting a few blocks away.

She still didn't know how much Neal had pre-planned.

_'Why don't you stay for dinner?' Neal asked casually as she made her first step toward the door._

_If she couldn't spend the night with Henry, all she wanted was a hot bath and a copious amount of chocolate. Before she could answer, Henry piped up, 'and maybe watch a movie, Mum? Just one?'_

_She narrowed her eyes, looking between the two of them. Henry seemed like he just wanted her company, but she saw through Neal straight away. 'Not tonight, kid.'_

_He put on his most effective convincing face. 'Please?' he asked, drawing the word out._

_'Can we have a chat, Emma?' Neal asked quickly before she could answer._

_She hesitated again before letting out a loud sigh, nodding. Henry disappeared into the kitchen and Neal led Emma closer to the front door in an attempt at privacy. 'What is it, Neal? I've had a crap day and I'm not in the most sociable mood, so...' She trailed off pointedly, crossing her arms across her chest._

_Neal just looked at her for a few moments, his expression unreadable. 'Stay for dinner,' he said finally._

Was he deaf?_ She didn't have time for this. 'I told you I'm not in the mood,' she said, making an effort to keep the annoyance from her voice._

_'Well then let's make plans for another time,' he said, smiling at her. 'Not just me and Henry, but all three of us. As a family.'_

_She could have banged her head against the wall in frustration. 'Neal, we are not a family.'_

_He stepped closer to her, his hand closing around her upper arm and trying to pull her arm away from her chest. 'We could be.'_

_'We're not a family,' she hissed at him, trying to keep her voice low so as not to make Henry aware of what was now an argument. She pulled away from him, her fingernails digging into her palms. 'We're not going to be a family. You need to stop acting like we are.'_

_He tried to reach for her again but she glared at him so hard that he let his hand fall. 'Henry wants us to be together.'_

_A wave of fury hit her that took all of her willpower to push down, that he would try and use their son against her. He clearly hadn't spoken to Henry properly - or he was lying. 'No he doesn't, not if being together means we're miserable.'_

_And there he was, crowding her space again._

_'Miserable?' He looked more bitter than angry, but she didn't want a bar of it either way. 'You need to let those walls of yours down for just a second and let yourself feel something!'_

_'There's nothing to feel! Not for you, Neal, not anymore.' She pushed away from him, reaching for the door behind her at the same time. 'I'm not going to pretend that a part of me still misses you, but we peaked twelve years ago. Before you left me behind. There's no coming back from that, not now.'_

Emma nodded to the bartender who replaced her empty glass with a full one. She'd been too worked up to go home and relax now so she'd come here instead, but being here alone only made her feel more... lonely. She couldn't spend the night with Henry, and since Mary Margaret and David had moved into their own place, she was trying not to bother them so much. Plus it was nearing ten o'clock now, and she figured they'd probably be in bed or close to it.

And who else did she have, really? She knew she was a part of this town now, and that the townspeople would band together to support her in an emergency just as they would anyone else, but it wasn't really the same as being up for a moody drinking session. She knew somebody who she could go to, who would happily drink with her. Who would have in the past, anyway, but it had been a few weeks since she'd seen Hook more than just in passing, and she couldn't figure out why he'd suddenly gone all distant on her.

Just as her thoughts turned to the pirate, she heard a strangely familiar yet foreign sound from a few metres away, above the noise of the music and conversation. Frowning, she craned her neck slightly, trying to see through the crowd enough to make out the reason for the noise.

Ruby was sitting at the bar, tossing back shots, but it wasn't the waitress that had caught her attention. Killian sat close beside her, and whatever she'd said must have been pretty bloody hilarious since his laugh practically filled the room. She'd heard him laugh before, but she didn't remember him ever sounding so... carefree.

_So that's what he's been doing instead of spending time with me._ _Ruby._

The bitterness in that thought should have surprised her, but she'd slowly come to the realization over the past few days that she did miss him. She still hadn't quite figured out how to admit the feelings that were plaguing her, but he was the reason that she'd felt compelled to speak to Henry about Neal. She'd wanted to know that he'd be okay if she had no intention of ending up with Neal, and he'd actually been more at peace with the idea than she'd been expecting. And the knowing look that he'd given her spoke of an understanding that she wasn't quite sure she was ready for.

Now Ruby was laughing, and the two of them clinked their shot glasses together before throwing them back. Rolling her eyes, Emma lifted her glass in a mock salute, knowing that neither of them could see her. 'Cheers to great night,' she muttered sarcastically under her breath.

She could go over there and talk to them. After all, she did actually get on fairly well with Ruby, and she didn't think that she'd mind listening to Emma venting about Neal, but she didn't particularly want to have Killian hearing that conversation. And now that she'd seen him, part of her wanted to speak to Killian as well, to ask him why he'd been avoiding her, if he had been, but again that wasn't something for Ruby to know. Especially if the two of them were as close as they suddenly appeared.

It was a much better idea to sit and drink alone.

And as self-mocking as that thought was, it was probably true. She was very much not in the mood to deal with Hook right now.

Making herself look away from the bar, Emma stared sullenly down at her glass. When did it empty again?

She waited a few minutes and was just about to go to the bar - the other end of the bar - to get another drink before one was set down in front of her. Reaching for it, she looked up to smile in thanks to the bartender but froze, her hand wavering just short of the glass. Killian slipped onto the seat on the other side of the booth. 'Fancy seeing you here, Swan,' he said lightly.

It was too easy to summon a glare for him. 'What do you want, Hook?' she asked, trying to sound bored.

He just smiled at her, leaning back in the booth and resting his arm over the back of his seat. His hand fiddled with a glass of what was undoubtedly rum that he'd brought with him. He didn't say anything at first, taking his time observing her. He took a drink, considered her again, then leaned forward in his seat, resting his elbows on the table between them. 'What's wrong, Emma? Is Henry all right?'

She was taken aback by the concern in his voice. 'Henry's fine. Why are you asking?'

He shrugged nonchalantly, but he was frowning now, staring down at his glass. 'You look upset, sitting here alone in your corner.' After a pause he looked back up at her, eyes searching. 'Are _you_ all right, love?'

He truly sounded worried about her, but she forced down any joy that she started to feel at the thought. The hopeful part of her liked that he was worried about her, that he'd come to speak to her to make sure she was okay. That his first worry had been for Henry - _that_ warmed her heart a little. She had no clue what was going on between them anymore. When they'd first gotten back from Neverland she'd told him she needed time to sort out her family, but that she didn't want him to leave. That had seemed enough for him, and she'd actually had a lot of fun just spending time with him. Although every other moment was still laden with innuendos, he made it clear that it was just for fun. She'd found more respite with him than she had with anyone else but Henry.

She hadn't realized until he'd stopped coming to see her how much she'd started to rely on him, and how hard she'd already fallen for him.

And then there was the pessimistic part of her. Clearly he'd given up on her. Apparently he'd decided to move on. Why would anyone stick around for her?

He was still waiting for her response. Taking a drink - she knew she'd need it - she slammed the glass onto the table slightly firmer than she needed to. 'I'm fine,' she said roughly. 'Just go back and have your fun with Ruby.'

His frown turned into one of confusion and she held his gaze defiantly until he seemed to get it. He leaned back in his seat, his hand gripping the edge of the table. He didn't even have the grace to look embarrassed, just annoyed. 'I wonder how Neal would feel about you being so concerned with who I'm spending my time with.'

What right did he have to sound so angry? 'I'm not with Neal,' she snapped.

Moving quickly, Killian pushed their glasses aside and reached out his hand as if to take hers. She pulled back infinitesimally and he hesitated before lowering his arm onto the table. It still stretched out toward her, in easy reach if she wanted it. She stared at it, wanting to reach forward and twine her fingers with his.

'Then why are you here alone?'

He spoke so quietly that she barely heard him over the music and chatter filling the bar. She dropped her eyes from his, unable to look at him. All of a sudden there was no room, no air. Their little booth was too confining. This whole bloody town was too confining. There would be nowhere to run from the stupid insecurities that weighed so heavily on her, if she reached out and took his hand. She couldn't hide from him, had never been able to, and she knew that she wasn't strong enough to have her heart pulled and twisted and strung out for everyone to see.

'Because Neal's not the problem,' she said, her voice just as soft as his was, hoping that maybe he wouldn't hear her.

_I am._

She was expecting a reply. Despite everything, he'd always had her back, had always been there to pick her up when she was down (except for the last few weeks) (but he was here tonight, wasn't he?). When the silence stretched too far between them she forced herself to look up, unsure if she could take the understanding that would be in his eyes.

Except it wasn't there. He looked back at her with such a blank expression that she'd almost have assumed that he actually hadn't heard her, if it wasn't for the strong set of his jaw that he donned when he was angry. He'd withdrawn his hand while she'd been lost in her thoughts, and she couldn't help but think it symbolised just how ready he was, all of a sudden, to withdraw from her.

His lips twitched as though he had something to say, before they pressed into a thin line and he stood up and walked away from her.

And just like that, someone else was gone. She didn't bother looking after him, knowing that he'd be going back to Ruby to continue whatever plans he had with her. She should have kept to her own plans of bath and chocolate. She should have left as soon as she'd seen him at the Rabbit Hole, or at least when he'd come to talk to her. She'd come out to drink enough to forget about her problems, but had only made it worse.

Now that she knew that curses were real, it was obvious that someone must have cast one on her when she was a child or perhaps before she was born. She'd had a few unknowing minutes of being loved before she'd been sent away through a wardrobe, and since then she hadn't been able to make anybody stay. She'd driven her foster families away, she'd never really had many friends. Mary Margaret and David were all too keen to find their own place as soon as they'd returned from Neverland, and even Henry had bailed on her tonight to spend time with Neal.

Why did she have to poison everything that she touched?

Feeling the need to get as thoroughly drunk as she could, as quickly as possible, she tossed back the rest of her whiskey, hoping the bartender would be making another round quickly so that she wouldn't have to go up to the bar. There was another glass on the table that she assumed was from a drink that she hadn't finished, so she grabbed that and gulped that down too.

Instead of whiskey, she almost choked on rum. Pushing away her wonder of whether Killian would taste like that before the thought could form coherently in her mind, she slid the glass as far across the table as she could from her.

Once again, she was saved the trip up to the bar by someone bringing her a drink, and her heart sunk a little when she noticed that it was Ruby who was sliding into the booth opposite her. Swallowing hard, she looked up but saw no sign of Killian. She hesitated for a moment, then picked up the glass. 'Thanks,' she said, downing it in one go.

When she put the glass back onto the table Ruby was staring at her with raised eyebrows. 'Ah, you're welcome. Do you need the bottle?'

_If you don't mind._

Ruby smiled again, her whole face lighting up. 'What'ya doing here all on your lonesome? I wanted to come over and say hi to you earlier but when we saw you here Killian said that he wanted to talk to you first.'

Emma tried to muster some enthusiasm for the always-chipper woman, but came up short. 'I've had a really crap day and I wanted to drink myself to death,' she settled with blankly.

'I hear you, sister,' Ruby laughed. Her smile turned into a smirk. 'Except, well, I'm actually having a pretty good day. I'm meeting Victor - Dr Whale - here for a drink soon. I think it's a date,' she stage-whispered, widening her eyes in mock-innocence.

Emma almost laughed herself before she remembered the reason why she was feeling so standoff-ish toward Ruby in the first place. 'Then why are you here with Hook?'

Ruby shrugged. 'He's good fun to drink with. And he's talked the owners into accepting all these gold pieces as payment for his drinks, so it's a cheap night when I drink with him.' She winked conspiringly.

Ruby wasn't here _with_ Killian. They weren't here _together._ Biting her lip, Emma thought back on her earlier musings and started to wonder just how much she actually had to worry about, and how much was just a misery spiral. She turned her head and started looking through the crowd, wondering where Killian had gotten to if he wasn't talking to Ruby.

'I don't know exactly what's going on between you two,' Ruby said quietly, interrupting her thoughts, 'but I know it's killing him. He goes all sullen whenever someone mentions you or Neal, and I don't need a degree to get that there's some sort of drama going on. And as much as I love drama, I don't want it to mean either of you getting hurt.'

Emma turned back to Ruby. She felt like a pit had opened up in her stomach. 'Do you know where he is?'

She shook her head. 'The last I spoke to him was when he said he was coming to talk to you. The last I saw him was when he left this seat.'

Had he left the bar? He certainly wasn't anywhere that she could see him. 'I think I need to go find him,' she said quietly.

Ruby smiled back at her sadly, an expression that she didn't see too often on the waitress. On her friend. 'Yeah, Emma, I think you do.'

Shoving some notes into Ruby's hand to pay for her drinks, she grabbed her things and made her way toward the door of the pub - it had gotten awfully busy in there over the last hour or so. Shrugging on her jacket, she pushed her way out onto the street. She knew exactly where he would be.

She felt a bit too unsteady on her feet to drive, but the docks weren't that far away. As she walked, she tried to remember exactly what they'd said to each other - it had obviously bothered him enough to leave without saying goodbye to Ruby. All he'd done was ask after her and Henry, he'd just wanted to make sure they were okay.

_Then why are you here alone?_

_Because Neal's not the problem._

_I am,_ she'd thought. Emma stopped abruptly, barely seeing the road before her as it hit her.

_I am,_ he'd thought.

She started to run.

She was out of breath by the time she reached the docks but she didn't hesitate as she climbed onto the Jolly Roger. He wasn't on the deck but she had no doubt that he was there, so she made her way quickly below deck. When she reached the captain's quarters she hesitated, closing her eyes and leaning her forehead against the wood, taking a deep breath to prepare herself.

Her eyes found him immediately when she opened the door. He was leaning against his desk, arms crossed over his chest. He must have heard her approach. He had that same blank look on his face that he'd had before he'd left the Rabbit Hole, with that same tightness of his jaw, and the guardedness of that expression tore at her. 'What do you want, Swan?' he asked darkly.

She stepped into the room, closing the door behind her. She'd only been in here a few times and always found his strange collection of things from different worlds intriguing, but now her attention was completely on him. 'I'm sorry,' she said, taking a step towards him. 'I've made a mess of things.'

He didn't say anything, didn't react, just kept looking her with so little emotion that she wanted to go and shake some into him. Apologies weren't going to be enough. 'Neal's not the problem,' she continued, picking up from where the conversation had ended at the bar. She should have said it all to start with, shouldn't have let him make his own meaning from her words, but she'd been too caught up in her own pain to think about his. 'I am. I'm the problem. I was alone my whole life, Killian, I had nobody until I met Neal.' Her throat felt tight but she swallowed the threat of tears away, needing to get through this, for him to understand. 'He _broke_ me, so much that I'm still trying to figure out how to be happy twelve years later! I hadn't trusted anyone until Henry found me, and I still haven't figured out how to let someone in like... like I want to let you in.'

He still hadn't moved, but she could see some sort of battle taking place behind his eyes. She stepped closer to him, wanting to reach out to him but afraid to push it until she had some kind of reaction from him. 'I don't know to do this, how to be with someone.'

'You don't know?' He looked down at the ground, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck and chuckling darkly. He pushed himself away from the desk abruptly, stalking over to her. He looked angry - he looked furious - but as least it was _something._ 'You don't - Emma, Milah died _three hundred years ago_. The only other people I've _ever_ had is my crew, and I lost all of them in Neverland.' He leaned over her in a way that she couldn't pretend wasn't intimidating. 'At least you've a family that wants you,' he growled, his eyes narrowed. 'I tried to be with other women but it always felt like a betrayal to her. I haven't been with anybody since before you were born, before your _parents_ were born, and I haven't loved anything but a memory for a hell of a lot longer than that, so _you don't get to tell me how hard this is for you!_'

Turning away from her, he fled to the other side of the room, throwing open a cupboard and pulling out a flask. She wanted to leave, to run, but she made herself watch him as he gulped down the rum. She couldn't turn away from him now. 'Killian -'

'Don't.' He still had his back to her, and she could see his shoulders move as he took deep breaths. She wanted to go to him, to smooth her hands over his shoulders and wrap her arms around him. She closed her hands into fists, willing them to stop trembling.

She'd been so bloody stupid. All this time, she'd been so caught up in trying to deal with everybody else that she hadn't even realized that he might be hurting, too. It was so easy to forget that what she knew about his past wasn't just a few years ago, but a few centuries ago, and that he had loved so deeply that he was still carrying the scars from Milah's death. They hadn't spoken about her since he'd made his interest in her apparent, and she felt stupid for not considering that it was important for him to finally be moving on, too.

'I don't know how to deal with how I feel for you, Emma,' he said quietly. After a moment he turned around and she sucked in her breath. The anger was gone, replaced by such a sheer hopelessness that it broke her heart anew. 'I want to give you everything, and you want nothing from me. It's taken all of my will, all of my strength to stay away from you these last weeks, because it's just too much.'

There were so many things to be said, but none of them would come out right. His words cut through her soul, tearing her in two, and she wondered if she could ever find the right thing to say to make him feel so... she couldn't even find the words to know what she was feeling.

Crossing the room, Emma stepped up to him, putting one hand on his shoulder and cupping his cheek with the other. He flinched slightly as if to pull away, then seemed to change his mind. Bringing his hand up to brush the hair back from her face, he settled it on her cheek, mirroring the way she touched him. She opened her mouth to tell him that she was done trying to hide from it, that she wanted everything that he could give her, but he beat her to it.

'You're not broken,' he said, his voice barely above a whisper. His eyes stared into her sharply, imploring her to understand. Her heart was beating so strongly that she was sure he must be able to hear it. 'You're one of the strongest people I know. Waiting for you is killing me, it's breaking me, and I don't know if I can do it anymore.' His thumb brushed across her cheek, gently across her lips. They parted slightly at his touch but he'd already returned his hand further across her cheek. 'But I can't stop either, Emma. I'll take anything that you'll give me, I'd take everything if I could, and I'll always want more. I will _not_ be another person that leaves you.'

She closed her eyes, tears dropping from them as she did so, unable to take the look in his own that spoke of all kinds of devotion. She felt his fingers wiping her tears away and then his hand was under her chin, angling her face upwards. Opening her eyes, she found him closer than he was before. 'I need you not to leave me,' she admitted, sounding every bit as broken as he told her she wasn't as she mustered up the courage to finally, finally let him in like she'd wanted to for such a long time.

'I'm right here, Emma,' he murmured, and his smile was so sad that she couldn't take it anymore.

Moving her hand around to the back of his neck, she pulled him down gently, slowly enough for him to know that she wasn't just acting on impulse, and pressed her lips to his. The two of them sighed in unison, and Emma wondered whether he felt that same sudden rightness that she did. His left arm wrapped lightly around her waist, his hook settling on her lower back. They kissed slowly, softly, their calmness completely at odds with how both of them had felt only a few minutes before, but maybe that's what it meant to feel at home.

And even if she couldn't string words together as well as he could to get her point across, she could at least tell him that. She broke the kiss but didn't pull away, revelling in how unbelievably soft his lips felt as hers brushed them. 'I love you,' she whispered.

His body tensed and his arm tightened around her before he moved back. A range of emotions flared in his eyes, but she focused on the most prominent ones - hope, love, disbelief. And caution. He swallowed hard, and she thought she saw his lips tremble. 'Emma -'

'I mean it,' she said, pressing her fingers to his lips to cut him off. 'I still don't know what that means for us and you _know _that I don't like relying on people, but I think that I need you. I hate the idea of my life without you in it, and I hate how the last few weeks have been. I _love_ you.'

The moment that she dropped her hand he was there, closing the distance between them like it was never there in the first place. His hand grasped at the back of her head, holding her to him as he kissed her hungrily. His urgency set her blood afire and she took his head in both of her hands, needing to show him just how much she wanted this. His lips parted first but hers moved with them, and she groaned as the kiss deepened.

His arm tightened around her further in response and she pressed herself fully against him, loving the way the his body seemed to respond immediately. He kissed her almost brutally, his teeth scratching across her lip. Pushing against her enough that she had to step backwards, he guided her across the room. The backs of her legs collided with what she realized was his bed when he pushed her gently backwards. Using his own momentum against him, she pulled on his shoulders as they fell, rolling them so that he landed on his back instead of her.

Moving quickly, Emma straddled his hips, pressing her upper body completely against his as she kissed him again. She could feel how much he wanted her pressed hard against her core and, thoroughly enjoying this new closeness, she ground her hips down hard against his.

'Gods, Emma.' Breaking the kiss, Killian sucked in a breath and threw his head back against the pillow. His hand and hook dug in hard against her waist, holding her against him and encouraging her movements. Emma took advantage of the fact that his head was tilted back by trailing her tongue across his jaw and down his neck and he groaned loudly, his fingers digging into her through her shirt when she kissed his skin, sucking on it lightly.

Inspired by the sounds he was making, Emma continued kissing her way down his neck. Her fingers fumbled at the clasps on his vest - for God's sake, someone really needed to take him to buy some normal clothes (maybe that could be her?) - but she had it open before too long. She tried to undo the buttons on the shirt he wore underneath but quickly lost patience. Buttons flew from the bed as she tore his shirt open, and she started kissing her way lower.

Before she could move too far she felt the room spin and realized that he'd flipped her onto her back. He'd settled back in between her legs and she lifted her hips up to meet him. Watching his teeth sink into his lower lip only aroused her further, but his hand on her hip held her to the bed and away from him. 'Just give me a minute, love,' he muttered beside her ear.

It obviously wasn't that he wasn't ready for her. He shed his shirt quickly before nimbly unbuttoning her own jeans, letting her help him pull them off her legs. As he did so she leaned up and pulled her shirt over her head, and when her eyes fell back on his he was looking at her with something akin to wonder.

She wanted to give him everything but that look was still so foreign to her, so she hid her feeling of being overwhelmed by pulling him close again, wrapping her arms around his neck and back. He attempted to remove her bra for a few seconds before he became impatient and just ripped it at the front, moving back enough to pull it off her arms and stare down at her again. Before she had a chance to think about accepting his expression he'd lowered himself back to her, taking her nipple into his mouth and sucking on it hard.

She felt the warmth spreading throughout her body immediately, and let herself get lost in the feeling. It was the only thing that she was aware of until his fingers brushed against the skin just above her underwear, and her hips jerked up slightly in response. She could feel his smile against her skin as he moved his mouth to her other breast, running his hand over her through the thin material.

Pushing aside her underwear, he trailed his finger lightly between her folds. Pressing his thumb against her clit, he rubbed smooth circles over it as his fingers teased her entrance. 'Fuck, you're so wet for me.' He slid a finger inside of her just slightly, and she drew her hips upward, trying to get more. She felt so highly strung, she just needed to _feel_ him. 'How long have you wanted this for, Emma?'

Kissing his way back up her neck, he sucked on the skin just above her collarbone almost painfully. 'Have you wanted it as long as I have? Because darling, you've got no bloody idea how long I've wanted you for. You've got no idea how much I want you right now.'

His finger slipped inside of her and her breath left her raggedly. 'Fuck, Emma, you're so ready for me,' he breathed hotly against her skin. Adding another finger, he fucked her with them quickly, his fingers curling deliciously inside of her and his thumb still moving against her clit.

He was right - she wanted all of him and she didn't want to wait any longer. How was it possible for him to make her body hum so easily, and still just using his hand? It had been a while since she'd had even a one night stand and a good few years since she'd taken as much enjoyment out of it as she'd wanted. Not since Neal had she been with somebody who she actually really cared for, and it was different, it was.

The relief of finally letting down her walls and letting him in, combined with the tension that he was building between her legs was surely driving her insane. She just wanted all of him, and she was desperate to hear him moan again. His body hovered over hers, supported by his knees and his left arm. Her hand trailed down his chest, across his stomach, and when she cupped him through his trousers she heard a low sound against her neck and he moved forward into her touch.

When she started pulling at the laces of his pants his hand faltered against her and he tried to angle his hips away. 'Wait, wait,' he mumbled, pulling his lips away from her and leaning his forehead on her chest.

They were both breathing heavily, and Emma was practically trembling from how badly she just needed him. Trying to calm her speeding heart, she forced his head up to look at her. Was he seriously having doubts now? 'What?' she asked, attempting to sound casual but the words came out strained.

Killian let out his breath in a big whoosh before taking in another with a shudder. 'Let me take care of you first, love,' he said thickly. She caught a look of - was that embarrassment? - on his face before he hid it back against her neck, peppering kisses on her skin as his hand started to move against her again. 'I want you so bloody much... you're going to need a head start.'

His touch was supposed to distract her, but she was long past caring about any of it. He sounded pained and that wasn't right - she had to show him just how much she needed him too. Reaching forward, she pulled at his laces, pushing his trousers down over his hips. 'Emma,' he hissed, his body moving strangely, as if he were trying to pull away and come closer at the same time.

The loud groan that escaped him when her hand closed around his cock made her breath catch in her throat. 'I don't care,' she told him, fisting her hand in the hair at the back of his head and pulling him down toward her. She could feel him hesitating but she kissed him hard, determined to rid both of them of any restraint. After a few seconds he pulled away.

'Emma - ahh...'

He cut off as she started to stroke his cock, tightening her grip on him. He was bigger than she'd expected - God, she had no idea what she had expected - and combined with how hard and tense he was only made her more desperate for him. He was like this for _her._ 'Please,' she whispered, kissing him again and then pressing her forehead against his. 'Please, just... Killian, I just need this...'

Cursing violently, he closed the space between them, kissing her and grinding his whole body down on her. His length pressed right against her core, her wet underwear the only barrier between them. Her arms went around him as his hand grabbed her thigh, his fingers digging into her skin as he lifted her leg around his waist. There was a sound of fabric tearing and then her underwear was being flung from his hook across the room. Her hips lifted and his moved down and forward.

He missed at first, sliding between her folds to rub against her clit and, whether it was intentional or not, it felt so incredibly good to have him on her. He moved back and then forward again, entering her, stretching her, opening her up and filling her. The two of them moaned together in what could only be relief as he slid home in one even thrust and that's exactly what it felt like - coming home.

She was so ready for him that despite his size, despite the fact that it had been far too long, there was no pain or discomfort, only an overwhelming fullness that she wasn't sure came from where they joined or her heart. When he was fully inside of her they paused, clutching each other and trembling. She couldn't breathe, her chest was too tight with absolutely _everything_, it was all too much yet absolutely not enough.

Killian moved first and then it was all she could do to keep up. He pulled out of her only slightly before thrusting back in, almost as if he didn't want to move too far away from her, and she was more than happy with that, wrapping both legs as tightly as she could around his waist and doing her best to move with him in some kind of rhythm. One arm wrapped around his back, her fingernails digging into his skin, while the other hand clung to his shoulder, desperate to keep him as close as she could to her. He still supported himself with his left arm but his right hand roamed freely, everywhere at once, grasping at her leg, his waist, her breast, her face.

She tried to kiss him but didn't have the breath, all of the air that she managed to suck in escaping in moans and groans as they moved together. She was so highly strung that she didn't think she'd be able to take it, but there was no way that she could ever ask him to stop.

A constant stream of curses and groans came from where Killian had his face pressed against her neck, muffled occasionally as he bit and kissed and sucked at her neck. They'd both be covered in marks in the morning but she didn't care - she'd enjoy it, damn it, because there was no more running and she was staking her bloody claim. Spurred on by the thought, she shifted his head to the side and closed her mouth over his skin, sucking hard at the same time that she sunk her teeth lightly into him.

What came from him then was more of a growl than anything else. The sound only managed to wind her tighter and she didn't know how much more she could bear before she found some kind of release. Jerking her hips against his harder, she moved her mouth up to his ear, taking his earlobe between her teeth. 'Killian,' she moaned.

'_Emma,'_ he managed, and the way he said it sounded like a curse. His thrusts became rougher and more erratic and his hand moved down to rub frantically against her clit. 'Emma, _gods -'_

She could feel it building, building, building, more, more. She couldn't even move against him with any sort of purpose now, her hips bucking up wildly as his fingers danced on her and his cock hit against the perfect spot with every thrust. '_Fuck, right there. Oh, God, fuck -'_

His groans changed pitch, her name falling from his lips every other word. 'Emma, I can't -' he gasped before he let out a strangled moan, thrusting into her harder than before. His whole body stiffened above her and then start to tremble, and she could feel him pulsing inside of her as he found his release. That feeling sent her over the edge and tumbling down, as she felt the heat spread all throughout her body. Her walls tightened around him, eliciting another moan from him and he bucked against her, drawing out her own orgasm.

She kept her arms tightly around him as she slowly figured out how to breathe again. Slowly, they relaxed together, his body loosening above her. Pressing her cheek against his neck, she breathed him in, brushing her nose along his skin and back to his face, kissing his lips softly, gently, completely opposite to how they'd been just before.

He seemed to resist her, so she pushed him away from her enough that she could see his eyes; they were closed, but after a moment they opened reluctantly. She let him roll off of her but after a second she rolled with him, one hand resting on his chest while the other forced his face to look at hers. His eyes were stormy with so many conflicting emotions that she couldn't even pick which was the strongest. Maybe disappointment, but she violently pushed aside the automatic thought that he was disappointed in her. She knew that wasn't true.

'I wanted to give you more than that,' he told her quietly, reading her unspoken question. 'It's just that it's been... I wanted to take my time with you.'

'Do you think I didn't enjoy that?' she asked, smirking in an imitation of him. 'That's what the rest of the night is for.'

He looked at her searchingly for a few moments before a slow smile spread across his face. His hand came up to cup her cheek, his thumb brushing against her skin. 'I love you,' he told her quietly but firmly.

He'd told her so before, but always in a roundabout way, not quite so outright. That last piece clicked into place and her smirk turned into a genuine smile. 'I love you,' she told him, meaning it more than she ever thought she could.

With a grin, he wrapped an arm around her and pulled her properly on top of him, settling her over his hips. She bent down toward him and he half sat up to meet her, and she took his head in her hands, kissing him tenderly. She could already feel herself starting to warm for him again, and his hand rubbing idly on her thigh wasn't helping. She felt him smile into the kiss. 'Will you remind me what the rest of the night is for?' he asked her.

* * *

Emma woke late the next day and the first thing she was aware of was the warm body beside her, arms wrapped around her. She nuzzled closer to the warmth, relishing in the peacefulness of the moment. There was a dull ache throughout all of her body but it felt good, satisfying. She'd lost count of the times they'd come together, drifting in and out of sleep every now and then until they'd fallen into a proper slumber a few hours ago. She stretched out, testing her overworked muscles, but staying as close to the warmth as she could.

Killian stirred beside her, pulling her closer. Emma looked up at him, brushing his hair back from his forehead as his eyes fluttered open. 'Sorry,' she mumbled.

'I was having the best dream,' he said, his voice was thick with sleep. He turned his head, kissing her hand gently before he took it in his own.

'Sorry,' she said again, but she couldn't keep the smile off her face.

'Shh, love,' he told her, pulling her hand slowly down and below the sheet that covered them. 'We can just pick up where it left off.'

She didn't need to see his suggestively raised eyebrows to know what he meant before he guided her hand down. His brow furrowed and his mouth fell open slightly when she automatically wrapped her hand around him.

'I think we can do that.'

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